June 29, 2009 (CHICAGO)—Famed infomercial pitchman Billy Mays, the voice of such products as OxiClean, was reported dead yesterday morning. “Not just dead,” said a spokesperson, “but deader than you’ve ever seen anyone before! We mean dead!” he said, setting up a klaxon horn next to the prone body of Mr. Mays. “So dead that even this mega-decibel klaxon horn won’t wake him up!” And as millions of distraught television viewers hopefully watched, the powerful horn vibrated the coffin, but Mr. Mays did not stir. “That’s dead, friends,” said the spokesperson. “Even this amazing Resurrect-O spray, which brings to life wilted fruits and vegetables and makes your tattered winter coat glow like new, won’t do the trick.” Indeed, after liberally spraying Mr. Mays’s body, he remained pallid and lifeless, although his pine coffin transformed into a gleaming ebony casket.
Mr. Mays is survived by millions of Vega-matics and space age bonding agents residing on pantry shelves, under kitchen sinks and in garages. In lieu of flowers, his family asks that admirers of Mr. Mays make a modest donation to the Billy Mays Trust Fund for Needy Believers and Kids Who Need Last Minute Mother’s and Father’s Day Gifts. “Because Billy devoted his life to making the lives better for millions of low to moderate income Americans,” said a family spokesperson, “we are asking everyone to send just a modest donation and to include $39.99 for shipping and handling.”
Monday, June 29, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Whirled News Ticker Tape
June 26, 2009 (CHICAGO)—More details emerged today of the final minutes in the life of music superstar Michael Jackson. As paramedics urgently tried to put an oxygen mask on the pop star, who was suffering cardiac arrest, they had difficulty fitting it over the two young boys who were attached to his face. Minutes later, paramedics attempted CPR but it was too late. “All I got for my trouble was plastic shards stuck to my face,” said one paramedic…..
The United States House of Representatives passed the dramatic climate bill by a narrow margin of 212-209, “When the time came to do something too small to save the world, a slim majority of us stepped up to the plate,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “This is something every American can be proud of.” The passage of the bill was attributed to a last minute compromise by House Republicans, who agreed to vote for an even more watered down version of the bill in exchange for a provision to sell buffalo robes this winter to those who can’t afford higher heating bills. Asked why for the first time they showed concern for financially strapped Americans, House Minority Leader John Boehner waved a fat contract which gives Haliburton the right to slaughter all buffalo in the United States and sell the hides to the government at a 400 percent markup. “Even Haliburton has gotten aboard the climate change movement,” said Boehner, “by agreeing to slash their usual profit margin in half. This is a win-win situation. Everyone benefits, from big business to those poor people who can afford to buy buffalo robes. And with the buffalo gone, our nation’s oil drillers won’t have to worry about stepping in poop as they continue to drill for oil in our prairies.”
The United States House of Representatives passed the dramatic climate bill by a narrow margin of 212-209, “When the time came to do something too small to save the world, a slim majority of us stepped up to the plate,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “This is something every American can be proud of.” The passage of the bill was attributed to a last minute compromise by House Republicans, who agreed to vote for an even more watered down version of the bill in exchange for a provision to sell buffalo robes this winter to those who can’t afford higher heating bills. Asked why for the first time they showed concern for financially strapped Americans, House Minority Leader John Boehner waved a fat contract which gives Haliburton the right to slaughter all buffalo in the United States and sell the hides to the government at a 400 percent markup. “Even Haliburton has gotten aboard the climate change movement,” said Boehner, “by agreeing to slash their usual profit margin in half. This is a win-win situation. Everyone benefits, from big business to those poor people who can afford to buy buffalo robes. And with the buffalo gone, our nation’s oil drillers won’t have to worry about stepping in poop as they continue to drill for oil in our prairies.”
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Cubs Fire Christ
June 14, 2009 (CHICAGO)—The Chicago Cubs today ended what began as a bold new experiment by firing this season’s new hitting coach, Jesus Christ. “We thought at the beginning of the season that we hired not just the best but the only man who could teach players like Alfonso Soriano to stop swinging at pitches ten feet above his stupid goddamned head the few times we happen to get men on base,” said Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry. “But even Christ couldn’t do it.”
Cubs manager Lou Piniella, who originally supported the hiring of Jesus Christ, tried to disassociate himself from the now disgraced hitting coach. “I thought when Hendry told me he was hiring Jesus we were getting some guy from the Dominican Republic,” he said. “I had no idea it was Christ Himself. Clearly He was the wrong man for the job. All season our hitters have been standing at the plate thinking they’ve got to be nice to the pitcher and not hit the poor little ball.”
A visibly shaken Christ met with reporters after learning about his firing. “I’m not used to failing at something,” He said. Asked how he felt, Christ responded, “I thought I knew everything about suffering there was to know, but after two months with this team, I’ve experienced suffering I’d never even dreamed about.”
Cubs manager Lou Piniella, who originally supported the hiring of Jesus Christ, tried to disassociate himself from the now disgraced hitting coach. “I thought when Hendry told me he was hiring Jesus we were getting some guy from the Dominican Republic,” he said. “I had no idea it was Christ Himself. Clearly He was the wrong man for the job. All season our hitters have been standing at the plate thinking they’ve got to be nice to the pitcher and not hit the poor little ball.”
A visibly shaken Christ met with reporters after learning about his firing. “I’m not used to failing at something,” He said. Asked how he felt, Christ responded, “I thought I knew everything about suffering there was to know, but after two months with this team, I’ve experienced suffering I’d never even dreamed about.”
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Obama’s Speech Draws Mixed Reactions
June 3, 2009 (CHICAGO)—Reaction to President Obama’s speech today to students at Cairo University ranged from mild disappointment to adulation.
“I was hoping he would say something about eliminating final examinations,” said one disappointed student. “This speech hardly spoke to the young people at all.”
Around the world, reaction was also mixed. “There was nothing in this speech at all for us,” said Heath N. Power, president of the International Secular Humanist Society. “Everything was about Muslims, Christians and Jews. He treated us like god, as if we don’t exist.” The Vatican applauded the speech but also expressed some reservations. “We believe in humility,” said a spokesperson for Pope Benedict, “but every time he mentioned the only three religions worth noting, he put us second.”
Others, however, responded with more enthusiasm. “I like very much when he says that every religion believes that one should treat others as one would wish to be treated,” said Abdul el Abu, a Shi’ite Muslim. “That was true and very good. Women wish ardently to procreate and give their husbands pleasure, and this is what we wish for them too.” Meanwhile Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu pointed out that the speech implicitly endorsed Israeli policies. “He wishes a better life for the Palestinians, and so do we,” he said. “This is why we have walled them off, to protect them from radical elements among us who would like to do them harm.” Asked whether he agreed with the President’s assessment that Palestinians’ lives were “intolerable,” the Prime Minister replied, “Absolutely. Their lives are intolerable to us too.” In response to the President’s call for the Israelis to abandon their settlements, the Prime Minister was less certain. “That’s easier said than done,” he said. “By the time it takes us to abandon one settlement, fourteen more spring up. It is like trying to stop an Orthodox Jew from davening or a Muslim from killing.”
Reaction in the United States centered around the President’s plans for building cultural bridges between Muslims and Americans. “I suppose we could let more of them in here to study,” said MSNBC commentator Pat Buchanan. “It could certainly be done, as long as we implanted microchips in them so we could keep track of their every movement, and the microchips were programmed to detonate two weeks after they earn their degrees if they’re still in our country.” While some economists questioned where the money would come from to fund the several programs in Muslim countries that the President proposed, others were confident the money could be found. “We could start by harvesting the organs from the millions of street urchins around the world,” said Sigmund Hiel, from the Heritage Foundation, a conservative economic think tank. “We have members and relatives who would pay big money for those organs, if not for use for themselves, then as middle men to turn an honest profit.” Others proposed letting Madonna buy more children.
“I was hoping he would say something about eliminating final examinations,” said one disappointed student. “This speech hardly spoke to the young people at all.”
Around the world, reaction was also mixed. “There was nothing in this speech at all for us,” said Heath N. Power, president of the International Secular Humanist Society. “Everything was about Muslims, Christians and Jews. He treated us like god, as if we don’t exist.” The Vatican applauded the speech but also expressed some reservations. “We believe in humility,” said a spokesperson for Pope Benedict, “but every time he mentioned the only three religions worth noting, he put us second.”
Others, however, responded with more enthusiasm. “I like very much when he says that every religion believes that one should treat others as one would wish to be treated,” said Abdul el Abu, a Shi’ite Muslim. “That was true and very good. Women wish ardently to procreate and give their husbands pleasure, and this is what we wish for them too.” Meanwhile Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu pointed out that the speech implicitly endorsed Israeli policies. “He wishes a better life for the Palestinians, and so do we,” he said. “This is why we have walled them off, to protect them from radical elements among us who would like to do them harm.” Asked whether he agreed with the President’s assessment that Palestinians’ lives were “intolerable,” the Prime Minister replied, “Absolutely. Their lives are intolerable to us too.” In response to the President’s call for the Israelis to abandon their settlements, the Prime Minister was less certain. “That’s easier said than done,” he said. “By the time it takes us to abandon one settlement, fourteen more spring up. It is like trying to stop an Orthodox Jew from davening or a Muslim from killing.”
Reaction in the United States centered around the President’s plans for building cultural bridges between Muslims and Americans. “I suppose we could let more of them in here to study,” said MSNBC commentator Pat Buchanan. “It could certainly be done, as long as we implanted microchips in them so we could keep track of their every movement, and the microchips were programmed to detonate two weeks after they earn their degrees if they’re still in our country.” While some economists questioned where the money would come from to fund the several programs in Muslim countries that the President proposed, others were confident the money could be found. “We could start by harvesting the organs from the millions of street urchins around the world,” said Sigmund Hiel, from the Heritage Foundation, a conservative economic think tank. “We have members and relatives who would pay big money for those organs, if not for use for themselves, then as middle men to turn an honest profit.” Others proposed letting Madonna buy more children.
Monday, May 18, 2009
President Obama Delivers Abortion Speech at Notre Dame
May 18, 2009 (CHICAGO)—President Barack Obama’s commencement speech, delivered to an overflow crowd at Notre Dame yesterday, disarmed the anti-abortion protestors who had been opposed to his coming. “We’re actually not opposed to anyone coming,” said Prudence N. Pudenda, leader of the campus anti-abortion movement. “We just didn’t want him coming into this place at this time. We felt that he shouldn’t be speaking to our graduates, who are going to go out into the world and soon be thinking on their own about moral issues.”
The President’s speech urged everyone to “keep abortion in proportion” and pointed out that some abortions were worse than others. “I think that everyone here could look at Notre Dame’s last few football seasons and say they were an abortion that we all wish hadn’t happened,” he said. “On the other hand, think about all these doctors who have performed abortions and all these people who advocate for abortions, and I’m sure that most of the anti-abortion advocates would honestly say that things would have been far better if they’d been aborted.”
The President mollified his critics by stating that he supported Catholic notions of sexuality by “coming to plant the seeds of deliberation rather than the seeds of passion.”
The President’s speech urged everyone to “keep abortion in proportion” and pointed out that some abortions were worse than others. “I think that everyone here could look at Notre Dame’s last few football seasons and say they were an abortion that we all wish hadn’t happened,” he said. “On the other hand, think about all these doctors who have performed abortions and all these people who advocate for abortions, and I’m sure that most of the anti-abortion advocates would honestly say that things would have been far better if they’d been aborted.”
The President mollified his critics by stating that he supported Catholic notions of sexuality by “coming to plant the seeds of deliberation rather than the seeds of passion.”
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Whirled News Ticker Tape
May 7, 2009 (CHICAGO)—Professor Douglas Emlen, world expert on the dung beetle, points out that male beetles who have the largest horns on top of their heads are the fiercest fighters. However, he says, the material and energy that go into growing larger horns has to come from somewhere else in their bodies, so that the beetles with the largest horns have smaller testes. In other news, Yankee shortstop Alex Rodriguez returns to the lineup this week after recovering from a steroid-related injury.
The H1N1 virus was inducted today into the International Journalism Major Event That Quickly Fizzled into Insignificance Hall of Fame, joining the 1973-74 appearance of Comet Kahoutek. The World Health Organization (WHO) however warned that the H1N1 virus could still mutate into something more fatal and uncontrollable and become the major story of the decade. “It is not like the Chicago Cubs, who are clearly not going to ever live up to expectations,” said WHO Director Margaret Chan. Major media spokespersons for television and newspapers defended themselves against charges that declining revenues had influenced their decision to overinflate the threat of the swine flu. “Certainly it’s true that we don’t have the time, revenue or inclination to do any more investigative journalism,” they said, “which makes stories like swine flu terrific candidates for saturation coverage. But this doesn’t at all mean that we have lost our verve and determination to take risks in our choices of what to cover. Just like terrorism, swine flu may still someday become a major threat, and if it does, we’ll look pretty darn smart then, won’t we?”
The H1N1 virus was inducted today into the International Journalism Major Event That Quickly Fizzled into Insignificance Hall of Fame, joining the 1973-74 appearance of Comet Kahoutek. The World Health Organization (WHO) however warned that the H1N1 virus could still mutate into something more fatal and uncontrollable and become the major story of the decade. “It is not like the Chicago Cubs, who are clearly not going to ever live up to expectations,” said WHO Director Margaret Chan. Major media spokespersons for television and newspapers defended themselves against charges that declining revenues had influenced their decision to overinflate the threat of the swine flu. “Certainly it’s true that we don’t have the time, revenue or inclination to do any more investigative journalism,” they said, “which makes stories like swine flu terrific candidates for saturation coverage. But this doesn’t at all mean that we have lost our verve and determination to take risks in our choices of what to cover. Just like terrorism, swine flu may still someday become a major threat, and if it does, we’ll look pretty darn smart then, won’t we?”
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Republicans Reveal New Economic Recovery Plan
April 30, 2009 (CHICAGO)—Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Representative John Boehner (R-OH) and a team of Republican economist strategists released their own plan for economic recovery today. “Our earlier two plans were criticized for a lack of new ideas,” they said in a joint statement. “This new plan addresses that concern and provides a fresh blueprint to lead our nation into economic recovery and beyond.”
The cornerstone of the plan calls for allowing failing auto manufacturers and financial institutions to buy up all available stockpiles of the anti-viral medications Tamiflu and Relenza at below cost and then resell them at reasonable markups to the public. “We must act quickly,” said McConnell, “as our bloated federal government has already let about a quarter of our nation’s stockpiles slip through its fingertips and given it to states for free, and history tells us that we can expect the same financially irresponsible and profligate action from many states.”
McConnell speculated that, while they’re trying to pass their new plan, the Republican National Committee might seek an emergency injunction prohibiting states from giving the anti-viral medications away for free. “These anti-viral medications cost our private industries millions of dollars to develop, and giving them away for free sends the wrong message to private enterprise,” McConnell added. Asked whether allowing automobile manufacturers and financial institutions to buy the medications at below cost also discouraged private enterprise, McConnell pointed to the second part of the plan, which called for billion dollar Patriotism Incentivization Payments to pharmaceutical companies to compensate for their contribution to the economic recovery package. “Unlike government bailouts, which come with all kinds of strings attached and have horrible connotations,” said McConnell, “Patriotism Incentivization Payments reward patriotism. Instead of seeding further dependency and greed with bailouts, our Patriotism Incentivization Payments seed further patriotism, and in the end that benefits every American.”
Asked whether it wasn’t the federal and state governments’ responsibility to make medications available to everyone who needs it, rather than only to those who can afford it, McConnell pointed out that giving away anti-viral medications to the poor only increases their immune systems’ dependency on outside help. “Where does it end?” he asked. “If we never give their immune systems a chance to develop their own strengths, they will forever be dependent upon government handouts. It’s time to end the kind of paternalism that keeps poor people trapped in a cycle of helplessness and life.”
“The current distribution scheme of the wasteful Federal government shows exactly why private enterprise is the only route out of these difficult economic times, which we would never have gotten into if the government hadn’t kept scaring our nation’s financial institutions and investors by threatening to someday regulate them a little bit,” stated Boehner. “By allowing our giant industries and financial institutions to take control of anti-viral medications and sell directly to the public, we eliminate the costly and inefficient government middle-man. Swine flu isn’t the problem; big government is.”
Pressed for more specifics on their plan, including what a “reasonable markup” would be for reselling the medications, McConnell and Boehner insisted that the market would be the best determinant. “If we get into the business of setting profit margins,” said Boehner, “we’re back to the same old threats of government regulation that got us into this economic morass in the first place.”
Other components of the plan included larger and permanent tax cuts for the wealthiest two percent of the country who controls only 98 percent of the wealth. “We’re asking these people to take on an enormous burden,” said McConnell. “They’re taking on the responsibility of administering crucial medications during a global pandemic, and we need for them to be able to concentrate on the task at hand instead of worrying about how to continue to take financial care of their own families. After all, some day their own children will assume their mantle of patriotic and social responsibility, so we need to take care of them now. This is a forward looking plan.”
The cornerstone of the plan calls for allowing failing auto manufacturers and financial institutions to buy up all available stockpiles of the anti-viral medications Tamiflu and Relenza at below cost and then resell them at reasonable markups to the public. “We must act quickly,” said McConnell, “as our bloated federal government has already let about a quarter of our nation’s stockpiles slip through its fingertips and given it to states for free, and history tells us that we can expect the same financially irresponsible and profligate action from many states.”
McConnell speculated that, while they’re trying to pass their new plan, the Republican National Committee might seek an emergency injunction prohibiting states from giving the anti-viral medications away for free. “These anti-viral medications cost our private industries millions of dollars to develop, and giving them away for free sends the wrong message to private enterprise,” McConnell added. Asked whether allowing automobile manufacturers and financial institutions to buy the medications at below cost also discouraged private enterprise, McConnell pointed to the second part of the plan, which called for billion dollar Patriotism Incentivization Payments to pharmaceutical companies to compensate for their contribution to the economic recovery package. “Unlike government bailouts, which come with all kinds of strings attached and have horrible connotations,” said McConnell, “Patriotism Incentivization Payments reward patriotism. Instead of seeding further dependency and greed with bailouts, our Patriotism Incentivization Payments seed further patriotism, and in the end that benefits every American.”
Asked whether it wasn’t the federal and state governments’ responsibility to make medications available to everyone who needs it, rather than only to those who can afford it, McConnell pointed out that giving away anti-viral medications to the poor only increases their immune systems’ dependency on outside help. “Where does it end?” he asked. “If we never give their immune systems a chance to develop their own strengths, they will forever be dependent upon government handouts. It’s time to end the kind of paternalism that keeps poor people trapped in a cycle of helplessness and life.”
“The current distribution scheme of the wasteful Federal government shows exactly why private enterprise is the only route out of these difficult economic times, which we would never have gotten into if the government hadn’t kept scaring our nation’s financial institutions and investors by threatening to someday regulate them a little bit,” stated Boehner. “By allowing our giant industries and financial institutions to take control of anti-viral medications and sell directly to the public, we eliminate the costly and inefficient government middle-man. Swine flu isn’t the problem; big government is.”
Pressed for more specifics on their plan, including what a “reasonable markup” would be for reselling the medications, McConnell and Boehner insisted that the market would be the best determinant. “If we get into the business of setting profit margins,” said Boehner, “we’re back to the same old threats of government regulation that got us into this economic morass in the first place.”
Other components of the plan included larger and permanent tax cuts for the wealthiest two percent of the country who controls only 98 percent of the wealth. “We’re asking these people to take on an enormous burden,” said McConnell. “They’re taking on the responsibility of administering crucial medications during a global pandemic, and we need for them to be able to concentrate on the task at hand instead of worrying about how to continue to take financial care of their own families. After all, some day their own children will assume their mantle of patriotic and social responsibility, so we need to take care of them now. This is a forward looking plan.”
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